Update: 01/19
So my wife is yet to give birth, she was due 01/17 but this could happen because it's her first pregnancy and she's overall a bit stressed, you know stress can overdue a pregnancy, mainly because in order for labour to start a woman has to produce "Oxytocin" and stress hormone "Cortisol" is the exact opposite of that. So I began to have doubts in hindsight, even though i try to comfort her and sedate her with you know what, the labour is yet to start, the doubt comes from that does she really have a good connection with me, cause she mentioned that she never really fell in love with me, according to her she just simply grew up on me. While it is same in my case, I didn't really had butterfly in my stomach when I was dating her, but I was always really fond of her, I liked her, I liked the sex, I like how communicative, comforting and accepting of me. Question arises in my head, does it really have to be a red hot love to have it healthy? Without it, the road is all too bumpy and mistrusting? I don't know, one thing is for sure, even though I didn't have this strong hormonal temptations for her at first, I still love her. I take care of her, I worry about her, I want her to be happy and have a good life. But is it for her side? Does she want the same.
At my job, I am working very unefficient, I have dream of being financially free and what not, but from the looks of it, I will financially burdened and stressed out for a long while, alas c'est la vie. I am over spending, by over spending i'm drinking coffee here and then also have no second income, In my country, living without second income comes with incredibly tight budget, you'd have to stop spending money for anything excessive, no coffee, no beer, sometimes a cigarrette, no eating out things are tight, if you pay rent, you it's impossible live with the salary, but yeah, i gotta keep my job. If i lose then i'd have to kidnap politicians daughter or sth.
Everything about my life there is struggle, nothing really comes without a little sisyphus, by now i'm quite used to it, you got a girl pregnant? you gotta deal with this air pollution, extreme cold, low salary and your girl not really understanding the situation, bribing your birth mother(still not paid, if i'm not paying gotta feeling she not really care), the girl having pregnancy issues like tight belly, low iron, low oxygen, not sleeping well, extremely irrated 50% of the time etc. If you gotta job, you got problems like people not respecing ya, constantly tired, can't waking up early cuz i'm not really at comfort in my home, i gotta comfort somebody, I just don't feel refueled, you know, I know it sounds like i'm just crybabying, but it is what it is. You eat food, but you can't eat food. I have stress related sexual problems etc. is fkin crazy, I can't go to gym, cuz i'm on tight schedule, but i'm not really on schedule cuz sometimes I just don't give a fuck about nothing, I just simple remember I have freewill so I don't give a fuck and start smoking etc, but then after that your stoic principles comes with backlashes and guilt about me being not disciplined, but then you do a little zen on yourself, relax then remember I just don't give up, I just keep on grinding, shit's not good, but i gotta grinding i hate people i lose energy on people, but shit i gotta communicate, when i communicate they don't respect me, cuz they be smelling the absolute bum of my past, I was an absolute loser for a long time, it's really hard to hide it, very little social grounding, very few people I know that can help, but shit, they do be considering those are to be respected, here tough survive and i'm just tryna grind.
But shit's okay, I don't give up, I just do be here and sometimes I be sad, stressed out, then I sleep, smoke, relax then i'm back, I'm good at having monologues and shit, shit's cathartic for me, I do be coming back as a man with values and objectives. Yeah, that's right. I'm still gon be here, cuz i want this, i want to have children, i want them have good time, I wanna have sex, I wanna eat good food, i wanna fight and win over my enemies, stupid ass spoiled people, imma stomp on their faces and show them who I really am. But here and then i'd get sad and all sombre sometimes, i'll smoke some cigarettes, drink some water and i'll be fine, trust me, I'll be fine. But I hope god help me, I hope the blue sky help my brown ass just make the challenge on a medium level, cuz on harder level, I'd need a lot of relaxing and pondering to come back.
Anyway I'm horny as fk sometimes, my wife's hot but I sometimes want other bitches, but you know a man's not gotta do adultery, Cuz of values and shit, plus there's not girls running around ready to be boinked by me. Drinking water helps, i'm dehydrated most of the times, i think it's health issue, but i gotta solve all of that. I think i'll die trying to live a life. But I can't die yet.